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Vent about ED (eating disorder)

This is my first post while in the bathtub and it won’t be the last.

I want to talk about my day’s joys and sorrows. Because I want to complain but see the good things too


• calling my partner at 6am and them being actually excited to talk to me

• school today was successful

• I want to move away from Illinois but omg is Chicago fun to go to school in

•my student therapist is epic and very helpful

• my blog

• calling my partner once I got home



• my god damn eating disorder

STORYTIME I have an eating disorder. it comes in waves of starving, purging, binging. it’s rough. My weight never stays the same for more than a month at a time.

This wave is making it hard to eat. I feel guilty or upset or ashamed for food my body needs.

I've had half a meal today and it was $15 for lemonade and soup. I was so excited about the soup. I deserved to eat that soup. Yet I couldn’t taste it. I ate half.

I went to chipotle with some friends. I just wanted chips and queso but a friend convinced me to get a burrito bowl. That’s fine I love chipotle….right? I nibbled on the lettuce and beans and I threw the rest out. Once again wasting money. but the point here is that recovery is hard. I go out of my way to make sure I get at least something in me before bed because while I feel ashamed to eat, I’m also ashamed that Im not eating. Past lovers have shamed my eating disorder. It gets tiring after a month ya know? I’m scared my partner is gonna get tired of it too. I’m tired of it.

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Poem by Joey Oliver “I love you regardless” You say But do you not see these claws? Not meant to hold sleeping kittens but to take your heart out clean from your body. “I love you regardless” You say

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