Vent about ED (eating disorder)

This is my first post while in the bathtub and it won’t be the last.

I want to talk about my day’s joys and sorrows. Because I want to complain but see the good things too

Joys:

• calling my partner at 6am and them being actually excited to talk to me

• school today was successful

• I want to move away from Illinois but omg is Chicago fun to go to school in

•my student therapist is epic and very helpful

• my blog

• calling my partner once I got home

TRIGGER WARNING: EATING DISORDER

sorrows:

• my god damn eating disorder

STORYTIME I have an eating disorder. it comes in waves of starving, purging, binging. it’s rough. My weight never stays the same for more than a month at a time.

This wave is making it hard to eat. I feel guilty or upset or ashamed for food my body needs.

I've had half a meal today and it was $15 for lemonade and soup. I was so excited about the soup. I deserved to eat that soup. Yet I couldn’t taste it. I ate half.

I went to chipotle with some friends. I just wanted chips and queso but a friend convinced me to get a burrito bowl. That’s fine I love chipotle….right? I nibbled on the lettuce and beans and I threw the rest out. Once again wasting money. but the point here is that recovery is hard. I go out of my way to make sure I get at least something in me before bed because while I feel ashamed to eat, I’m also ashamed that Im not eating. Past lovers have shamed my eating disorder. It gets tiring after a month ya know? I’m scared my partner is gonna get tired of it too. I’m tired of it.